Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
