How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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