____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Randomize
