Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
