Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
