chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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