The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Randomize