smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
