I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
