there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
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