so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize