you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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