she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Randomize
