I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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