U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Randomize
