if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
