Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Randomize
