i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
