I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
