Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
nutella sex= disaster
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
