I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Randomize
