When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
