my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
