How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
