I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
