she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Randomize
