Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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