It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
