found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
