ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
