I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
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