Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
