i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Randomize
