I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
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