somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
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