i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
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