If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
