my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
