I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
