I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
