So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
