Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
