I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
