how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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