my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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