I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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