i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
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