I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
