My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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