The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize