I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
i just sent this text using only my big toe
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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