I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Randomize
