she was so not down for the gang bang
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
