Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
We're too hungover to prance.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
I would ride that face into the sunset
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