fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Can you bring me the toilet please
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Randomize
