I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
