So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
