Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
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