guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
