Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
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