we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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