So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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