oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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