Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
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