did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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