I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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